"HEY, MOM AND DAD. MEET MY NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S POSSESSED BY A SAMURAI GHOST."
★★☆☆☆ (Don’t Bother)
Director: Fabrice A. Zaphiratos
1983
Blood Beat had all the potential to become a camp classic, but the ridiculous “special effects” and great hokey moments and samurai action are saved for the very end, and by then I had checked out. The incredible plot involves a hippie lady who dabbles in Asian artifacts summoning the ghost of a samurai to invade the body of her son’s new girlfriend who happens to being staying over for Christmas weekend. It’s Meet the Parents meets Deliverance meets Kurusawa. I kid, of course, but one wonders where this stew of multi-cultural nonsense came from until they read that the writer/director had confessed to being high during the entire project. The fact that Blood Beat is essentially one man’s drug orgy makes perfect sense.
"Anybody got any Phish albums?"
I really like the beginning of the film because an older couple made up of an easygoing redneck (Gary) and his granola girlfriend (Cathy) are adorable in their first scene together. She’s disturbed by the sight of the deer he shot, and he coddles her when he notices. This sweet moment is a perfect setup for a couple we want to get to know more about (where in the wilds of Wisconsin did this bearded hunter meet a woman who collects Buddha statues?). After Cathy’s son Ted arrives at the country home with his new girlfriend Sarah, they get an uncomfortable tour of Cathy’s abstract paintings of her nightmares…then characters chit chat and wander for the other 2/3rds of the film.
Hillbillies we never meet or meet once end up dead in the woods, and these kills are yawn-inducing and obviously being done by evil forces unleashed by Cathy’s mind because she doesn’t seem to want to share her son with his new girlfriend. Oh, and the girlfriend has powers, too. And Ted. And his sister. Everyone has supernatural abilities for reasons that only make sense to the director. Out of the blank or irksome characters, I only had Gary to root for—he’s the kind of good ol’ boy I like hanging out with in my neck of the woods. Poor Gary. All he wanted to do for Christmas was hunt and drink beer.
“Oh God! I think it was laced with PCP!”
I can’t stress enough that nothing happens until the end, when all hell finally breaks loose and Cathy and Gary’s home becomes a hotbed of poltergeist shenanigans. Unfortunately, there’s not enough special effects or swordplay to consider the ghostly samurai as anything but a MacGuffin—the climax involving a spooky chase around the house wouldn’t entertain anyone who’s not on a Magical Mystery Tour. That brings me to my point: This movie only seems to exist because Zaphiratos was bored. I’m not promoting drugs, but I get the feeling Blood Beat can only be tolerated if you’re very, very high.
GENRES: Monster/Creature, What the Fuck Was That
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