DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD
★★☆☆☆ (Don’t Bother)
Director: Gary Graver
1982
Having escaped a mental hospital on Halloween night, Malcolm returns home to kill his duplicitous wife, but by the time the guy is ready to slice and dice and get a little crazy, Trick or Treats has already been four movies, and its stars have given us as much range as Alexa. This film is like attending your actor friend’s local play, where characters emote with wild hands and warped expressions. In Trick or Treats, you’ll see a few young faces that became familiar decades later, but not from this movie, which feels like it was made by amateur editors, set designers, actors, writers, director, and craft services. And on top of all this mediocrity, you don’t get a real slasher film, just one hacked body after a quick moment of mistaken identity.
There is one reason to watch Trick or Treats : big-cheeked Christopher (Chris Graver). Malcolm’s young magician son is a stone-cold badass who spends the bulk of the film terrorizing his baby-sitter—he flirts, uses magic tricks to make her scream, and dupes her into giving him mouth-to-mouth. Chris Graver’s comedic timing puts all the adult actors in Trick or Treats to shame.

As I said, Trick or Treats is four movies in one. The first is about a marriage in dire straits…that ends with the husband in a strait jacket. Joan and her hubby Malcolm (Peter Jason) are breakfasting at a table in the backyard, when hired goons from the mental asylum show up at Joan’s request, and surprise the successful businessman by hauling him away. We get the idea that Malcolm was dismissive of his wife, but we never saw a hint of mania in him, so as he fights tooth and nail to get away from the guards, and they all end up in the pool, we are on his side. Carrie Snodgress’ Joan mugs and smirks and tee-hees while this goes on, making us root for Malcolm, the wronged party. Trick or Treats doesn’t know what character consistency is, so later—when he breaks out on Halloween, feeling loony and murderous—he’s exactly the sort of person who should be committed. There’s no satisfaction in disliking both Joan and Malcolm.
The second film in Trick or Treats involves two starry-eyed thespian lovers. Our protagonist Linda is played by Jackelyn Giroux, who reminds me Teri Garr’s character in Tootsie trying to script read. Giroux’s timing is off from beginning to end, and she seems to have based Linda on Shelley Duvall after a day of getting cussed out by Stanley Kubrick.
On Halloween night, Linda’s supposed to see her white boyfriend play Othello in a small, local production, but takes the babysitting job from Joan because she needs the money. Linda and Othello’s heated phone interactions are completely unnecessary, and feel like inside jokes among the cast and crew. There’s a whole lot of meta going on in this film, by the way. Two woman editors working on a possible softcore porn starring Linda, complain about how scary movies being churned out these days are a dime a dozen. Perhaps we’re supposed to laugh, but these quips make it seem like Graver and company thought Trick or Treats was an exception to the editors’ critique.
The third movie in Trick or Treats is a mild version of Adventures in Babysitting. But before Linda can meet her charge, she’s sexually harassed by the man who ended up marrying Joan after she got her husband committed. Imagine going to your friend’s play at the high school gymnasium and suddenly Morgan Freeman walks onstage. That’s how I felt when I saw a drunk David Carradine saunter into frame as Joan’s new husband. How did they get him? Anyhow, he and Joan dress like magicians to attend an overnight party, and leave after Carradine’s “character” gets handsy with Linda.
Place your bets, folks! Place your bets! How many think we’ll never see Carradine again after he and Joan leave the house? How many think they’ll pull up in a car at the end only to get stabbed so he doesn’t have to get out and stand up? How many think he’ll come back and save the day? Odds aren’t good for those who want more of the movie’s only star because after we’re shown stock video of Las Vegas to establish Joan’s location, she calls from a hotel room to make sure her son is okay and relays her call to Carradine, who is off camera and doesn’t respond. They could only afford him for one day.
The best part about this third film is Christopher, a boy with more confidence and game than 007. Joan’s son spends most of the film fooling Linda with kid-friendly magic tricks and death fake-outs, but the corny gags never got old for me. Christopher encompasses the charm of Halloween, especially when Linda tries to scare him with the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”, which feels like it will pay off in the end, but really doesn’t.
“IMAGINE GOING TO YOUR FRIEND’S PLAY AT THE HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM AND SUDDENLY MORGAN FREEMAN WALKS ONSTAGE. THAT’S HOW I FELT WHEN I SAW A DRUNK DAVID CARRADINE SAUNTER INTO FRAME AS JOAN’S NEW HUSBAND.”
The fourth and final movie is barely worth mentioning even though it’s supposed to lend the scares to Trick or Treats. Unstable Malcolm escapes the mental hospital to go home and exact revenge on his former wife, but along the way he doesn’t kill anyone; not the nurse or the guard or the homeless men he robs for their clothes. This is our fearsome slasher? While it’s fun to see Peter Jason in drag for a bit, his odyssey through city and highway to get to his ex is puzzling—we didn’t need to watch him call Joan three times from three different payphones. When someone finally winds up on the end of his knife, its some random person. What’s the point of the film if he doesn’t end up battling the woman who wronged him?
The measly body count, plot holes, and unsatisfying ending (and lack of revenge) hurts Trick or Treats, and knocks it out of the running as a must-see for Halloween. You could have cut out the scene with Carradine, all the scenes of Malcolm on his way home, and the series of phone calls between Linda and white Othello. The writer/director should have stuck with just one or two of these four films; Trick or Treats would have been fine if it were only about Christopher and Linda being terrorized by the boy’s escaped father. Yes, the kid’s a joy, but you can’t just have one treat in a Halloween horror film.
GENRES: Funny
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