A GAY VAMPIRE TEAMS UP WITH A HOMELESS WOMAN TO FIGHT THE FORCES OF GOOD
★★★★☆ (Worth the Watch)
Director: Steinþór Hróar Steinþórsson, Gaukur Úlfarsson
2019
Thirst (Þorsti) is an Icelandic horror film about an odd couple down and out on the streets. Hulda (Hulda Lind Kristinsdóttir), a long-time drug user, may have hurt her single mother over the years but nothing compares to the day Hulda’s brother—a successful, sober banker—is found dead in his sister’s presence with a needle stuck in his arm. After losing her son, Hulda’s mother refuses to ever seen her deadbeat daughter again. Meanwhile, an aged vampire named Hjörtur (Hjörtur Sævar Steinason) can’t get the young guys anymore, so he has to take them any way he knows how; and I feel it’s my duty to mention that there’s penis in this movie. Lots of it. In his bloodlust, Hjörtur tears off men’s genitals with all the enthusiasm of me at a book sale. Depressed and lonely, he allows two thugs to beat him up one night in an alley, but they’re interrupted by a distraught Hulda who steps in to defend the vampire. The following friendship between recovering addict and the bloodsucker who won’t touch women (“I’m a gentleman”) makes for a heartwarming story replete with torn out hearts, limbs, and of course, dicks. Fans of the crudest third-grade body horror won’t be disappointed.
Man Who Loses Penis # 5
Though the movie is delivered straight-laced with excellent direction, the juvenile humor runs deep, giving it an almost cheeky English edge similar to that of Shaun of the Dead. But Thirst is also a beautiful-looking film with a great synth beat and quirky characters who engage the audience. As Hulda gets into one mess after another, she’s tailed by the suspicious Detective Jens who believes she may have killed her brother. How does she hide her toothy friend when the police are following her? She doesn’t just have the police to contend with as Detective Jens’ cardigan-wearing wife, who has a cable TV show that spouts end-of-days nonsense, considers the addicted girl a sign of a wicked prophecy. It’s nice to know we Americans don’t have the corner on crazy Evangelicals.
Even though Thirst is light-hearted about the battle between these Christians and Hulda and Hjörtur, there are veiled hints about the gay community’s historic obsession with beauty. The wrinkled Hjörtur gazes in yearning at a handsome young man at the gas station who is way out of his league, a reminder that the old vampire doesn’t just not fit in with humans; he doesn’t fit in in a culture where the younger and fitter are expectations. Take the marketing for Thirst as an example. The photos I could find don’t show Hjörtur, only a blonde hot guy who gets a minute of screen time. You can’t blame Hjörtur for lashing out like Lorena Bobbitt at a weenie roast, and you can’t help but feel sorry for him as he reaches out to Hulda for connection. Just because he’s not a looker doesn’t mean gay horror fans shouldn’t give him their time.
Iceland has done it again when it comes to thoughtful gay horror. There are a few missed opportunities and I wanted a more thorough and satisfying ending, but Thirst is so good you’ll wish it slowed down so it didn’t end so quickly. Speaking of end, stay for the credits to find out how it really turned out. As long as Hjörtur is somewhere in the world, men will have to keep an eye on their pants and hot dogs. As for me, I’ll be keeping an eye out for a sequel.
GENRES: Body Horror, Funny, LGBTQ+, Monster/Creature
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