SLAXX

A PAIR OF KILLER JEANS IS COMING FOR YOU

★★★☆☆ (Good for One Viewing)

Director: Elza Kephart

2020

If you put a GAP store, Inigo Montoya, Greta Thunberg, and a pound of coke in a blender, you’ll get Slaxx, a movie so desperate to be a Ryan Murphy vehicle that it misses the mark and gives you cheese instead of camp— much of this having to do with its bizarre message about sustainable clothing. However, I can’t in good conscience recommend you not see a movie about an unethically-made pair of jeans out for revenge, so that’s why I’m giving it three stars. As you watch these trendy pants slaughter their way through the night crew of a pretentious Gen-Z clothing store, you’ll understand. Though not great, it’s something you have to see to believe.

Slaxx takes place in a Canadian mall store selling color-block clothing adored by influencers and teens (I suspect whoever wrote the script once worked at an H&M). This is the night of young Libby’s (Romane Denis) first shift, and she’s filled with pluck and optimism, so we can see her arc coming from a mile away. We’ve all been the excited new employee who gets the joy kicked out of them after the first eight hours, but she remains an adorably precocious protagonist. I’ve had a hundred employees like Libby, and I always dreaded seeing the light go out in their eyes, so I wasn’t looking forward to watching reality hit her like a pile of wool sweaters falling from a merch shelf.

Libby’s training just happens to begin on the night of a giant roll-out and pep talk from the worshiped CEO of the company. We learn that the star of the roll-out is a jean with new technology that gives a perfect fit no matter the size, and I’m warning you, if you’ve worked in retail hell you might have ‘Nam flashbacks while watching Slaxx. As Libby tries to get someone to train her, and they pass the buck onto the next person, we’re treated to every dickhead co-worker you’ve ever come across. There’s the bitchy gay guy who insults you with clever quips to your face and behind your back, the clique that lives to harass new hires, the sullen girl who’s too cool to care about anything, the ambivalent CEO guru, and the ambitious store manager who would sell you to Satan for a promotion. Poor Libby is a target for these people, even after she insists there are murders being committed in the store. The manager’s reaction to this news involves a suspension of disbelief so thick that after the final credits roll, you will be 50% more susceptible to gaslighting for 24 hours.

The cast’s overacting is so distracting you’ll see the spirit of Ryan Murphy floating near the boom mic. The kills are also Murphy-esque; bloody and done with such a breezy disregard for the character that you’ll laugh. No one is safe, and some of these slayings are fantastic, such as the one where a girl is cut in half by her pilfered pants before they slurp her blood off the ground. I swear, I should love this film, but there are problems that have nothing to do with how annoying the characters are or how the actors were instructed to act like Liza Minelli if she downed five Red Bulls.

My biggest issue with Slaxx is that it lures you in with laughs and horror before trying to teach you a lesson—like a parent tricking us by putting cauliflower in our macaroni and cheese. The motive for the killer in Slaxx is so inappropriate for a comedy about killer denim, I thought it wasn’t real. I was sure there would be another twist, but as soon as those jeans started dancing I figured out what was going on and went, “No way. There’s no way they’re going there.” But they did, here’s the cauliflower. Then you spend the next half hour feeling uncomfortable, just waiting for the movie to end. There’s nothing wrong with having a deep, worthy message in your horror movie—look at The Exorcist and The Witch—but it has to fit inside the story. Know your tone.

I have a much better idea. Let’s say a serial killer was wearing his brand new jeans when he died and then his loved one returns them for a refund. The jeans contain the ghost of the serial killer (I can’t believe I’m writing this) going about finishing his work. This makes more sense than the Afterschool Message given to us, which tells me the agenda came before there was ever a script.

Slaxx may be flawed, but it does move quickly and looks good. Though I won’t view it again, it did succeed in one aspect: I’ll watch whatever Elza Kephart puts out next. A director/writer who goes all in on a pair of murderous pants is someone to keep an eye on.

GENRES: Apocalyptic, Diverse Characters, Feminist-Friendly, Funny, LGBTQ+, What the Fuck Was That

NO AI TRAINING: Without in any way limiting the author’s [and publisher’s] exclusive rights under copyright, any use of this website's (nicolinatorres.com) blog posts or publications to “train” generative artificial intelligence (AI) technologies to generate text is expressly prohibited. The author reserves all rights to license uses of this work for generative AI training and development of machine learning language models.