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PORNO

TEENS FOR JESUS MEET A SEX MONSTER



★★★☆☆ (Good for One Viewing)

Director: Keola Racela

2019


After young movie theater employees close up for the night and debate whether they should watch Encino Man or A League of Their Own, an old man who has been hiding runs amok and exposes a boarded-up wall they’ve never seen before. These repressed, Jesus-loving teens poke their heads in and get quite an eyeful. Their prayer circle never prepared them for the carnal delights waiting inside—and the succubus demon they accidentally wake from film reel purgatory.


A local movie theater in a small town is run by Mr. Pike and his band of Jesus Camp teenagers: Ricky the baseball star, assistant manager Chaz, and nerd besties Abe and Todd. There’s also twitchy projectionist Jeff who is just slightly older. I’m not sure which religion they practice (my Midwest spidey sense tells me it’s Catholicism), but there’s a big emphasis on staying pure, not smoking, and praying at work. These kids keep one another on the track to heaven, but their chastity belts must be too tight, because they’re constantly falling off the Yahweh wagon by smoking (Jeff), having lustful thoughts about Ricky (Chaz), being gay (I guess it’s supposed to be a twist), and peeping on naked women in their homes (Abe and Todd).



Not long after Mr. Pike goes home—leaving the youngsters alone to watch movies—a ranting man runs through the theater, uncovering a secret door. The night crew explores the hidden opening and discovers a whole theater down there filled with debauchery, nudies, satanic worship, and a reel of haunted film waiting to be shown. Watching this old, sexy movie not only gives our teens the vapors, but it also releases a hot chick who begins walking the halls of the theater naked, seducing characters to their doom. And by doom, I mean testicle explosion. I’m not sure what would happen if Chaz was successfully tempted, but any of the guys who give in to the evil woman’s touch lose their balls. Really. The employees must rid the theater of the Succubus before she can escape and take over the world, where I assume she will continue with her nut-annihilating activities.


Just so you can avoid wasting your time if porn is indeed why you’re here, I’d like to make it clear that the title was chosen because it gets your attention. None of our heroes in Porno knock boots; there’s no P in V, P in A, BBC, BDSM, or M and G (Man and Goat). You get nothing, really. Besides an ending that involves a simulation of sorts, I would say there’s a total of 60 seconds worth of mainstream movie sex by an unnamed couple not related to the characters, so comparing a reasonably tame movie like Porno to real porn is like comparing Ernest Goes to Jail to The Shawshank Redemption. Even the mystical film the movie theater employees watch that releases said succubus isn’t porn—just a couple of full frontal shots among skulls and satanic business. Maybe the title is meant to be ironic. After all, these guys are supposed be Gen-Xers, but you wouldn’t know the date by the scenery, hairstyles, and clothing. Pop culture references don’t do much to help us believe Porno takes place in 1992.


However…Porno is competently filmed, and the lesson about religious hypocrisy is handed, not forced. Above all, the likable actors make their job look easy, especially Jeff, who’s giving me serious Steve Buscemi vibes—the cast sells their pious guilt well as they try to solve “The Mystery of the Movie Theater Succubus.” If you’ve been searching for an R-rated Scooby-Doo episode, look no further.






GENRES: Funny, LGBTQ+, Monster/Creature, Teens in Peril


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