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LATE FEE

TWO LOVEBIRDS RENT A MOVIE FROM...SATAN?



★★☆☆☆ (Don’t Bother)

Director: John Carchietta, Carl Morano

2009


A couple wants to rent a DVD on Halloween night, but finds only one video store open, a possible portal to hell where surveillance cameras on the ceiling are used to film this movie, and actors hanging out in their costumes improv conversation. The couple makes two selections and unwittingly signs a Faustian deal to return the two movies before midnight…or pay the price.


The rating is a tough call because Late Fee entertained me more than a slew of new movies I saw the same week. I hate giving it two stars when there were times I was glued to the screen in confusion, especially when a sexy police woman put another sexy woman in satanic jail for speeding, so I’m adding a caveat to my review: If you adore good-bad movies like I do, and are not easily offended, you may have the patience to survive lulls of artsy slow motion shots and jazz flute in order to get to the good stuff. At the very least, this is a Halloween movie stuffed with Halloween goodies. And it won’t be easy to forget because, like me, you’ll be scratching your head, trying to figure out what you saw days later.



Our heroes are the type of husband and wife who think they’re a hilarious comedy duo. You know the type. They are always “on” until you vacation with them and then they’re the couple who fights the whole time. Anyhow, on Halloween night, this duo (we’re never given their names) search the town for a video store that hasn’t yet been closed down by Netflix, when they happen upon a mom and pop shop that reminds me of a run-down Video Village. Inside, there’s a mild costume party, and the host, an old man dressed in devil horns and a red hoodie, wants the husband and wife to hurry so they can continue with the festivities. The couple can’t agree on a film at first. The guy wants something along the lines of The Suckling (this explains a lot about the second half of the film) and the woman complains that she doesn’t want a movie with “tits, blood, or a stereotypical axe murderer,” which limits her options somewhat. Maybe she’ll like Bird Box?


After choosing The Pick Up and Damnation, the devil man has the husband sign a contract with a blood pen, leading the audience to believe that this video store, with its crepe paper and guy in a wolf mask talking about getting out and dating again, is a portal to hell. The idiot couple think nothing of the blood pen and go home to cozy up and put on the first film because the video store contract very specifically states that the return time is midnight and there will be consequences. As their DVD player starts up, I realize I’ve been cruelly tricked into watching bad horror movies within a bad horror movie, and I check the time and figure I’ll give Late Fee five more minutes before shutting it off.



While The Pick Up almost lost me with its smooth jazz and boring, artsy shots, I could tell something bad was going to happen to this prostitute and john as they cruised down the highway, and I was right. The climax wasn’t mind-blowing, but at least I got a laugh out of it, which is more than I can say about Damnation—a bizarre Rubik’s Cube that I still to this day cannot figure out. One minute, a hot woman on a normal road is talking on the phone to her husband about their child and the next minute, she’s being pulled over and arrested by a hot lady cop with BDSM tendencies, and thrown into Satan prison with no explanation of her crimes. As this Handmaid’s Tale/cannibal/mob/snuff film ended, I screamed, “What? Why? What?” That moment—and our moron couple fighting for their right to violate the return policy—made Late Fee more than just another film with terrible acting and ugly cinematography. The filmmakers pushed the envelope of depravity as far as their budget would allow.


Late Fee looks like a home movie and is awful, truly awful, but I have to give it props for having the chutzpah to use The Suckling as inspiration, for papering the couple’s walls with Zombi 2 posters, and for introducing me to the song “The Coolest Little Monster” by Electric Frankenstein—a great addition to my haunted house playlist. If you’re so bored you’re willing to make it a Blockbuster night, you might be desperate enough to try out Late Fee, a movie that borrows enough body horror tricks to satisfy, and has a twist you’ll think is either clever or a fever dream caused by eating too much candy.





GENRES: Body Horror, Monster/Creature, What the Fuck Was That


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