A GEEKY COLLEGE STUDENT BONES HALF HIS CLASSMATES AND AN ALIEN
★★★☆☆ (Good for One Viewing)
Director: David DeCoteau
1989
If Nickelodeon had a softcore porno lodged between Clarissa Explains it All and The Adventures of Pete and Pete, it would have been Dr. Alien, a bizarre petri dish of a science-fiction, horror, boner comedy that is so surface level, I am convinced the script was taken from a 14-year-old nerd’s journal fantasies written during gym class. Dr. Alien has the artificial sweetener feel of a 1990s Saturday sitcom, but instead of Screech chasing after Lisa, he’s knocking boots with his new professor, an alien who chooses him as a test subject for a drug. This is definitely one of those good-bad movies you have to see to believe. I could say “The End” and wrap this up, but I’m so confident this script was inspired by a pimply dork’s fanfiction to himself that I’m prepared to present my findings, below.
EXHIBIT #1
CHARACTERS ARE LABELS
Protagonist Wesley (Billy Jacoby) is a nerd because he wears a tie to school and can’t talk to his crush. His crush is a virginal sweetheart who plays the piano. His bully is Biff from Back to the Future. Biff’s girlfriend is a ditz. I could go on, but my point is, these are character traits written by a kid who thinks people are labels. Even the alien, Ms. Xenobia (Judy Hamburg!), who takes over for Wesley’s hospitalized professor is a squeaky-voiced robot out of vintage porn. She wears a low-cut outfit and when they get down to business, she has on an elaborate, lacy get-up, the exact sort of thing a 14-year-old kid would think women in those films wear.
There are two exceptions. Wesley’s parents—straight-laced 1950s puppets—don’t ground their son or lose their minds when he makes his transformation and his grades slip. On the contrary, they encourage his new lease on life, and this was refreshing. Also unexpected was the extra layer to Wesley’s horndog best friend who ends up being the reasonable one, always talking out a problem before acting.
EXHIBIT #2
THE DEFINITION OF “COOL”
Once Wesley gets juiced-up, he starts changing the way he dresses and talks. It’s hilarious what the screenwriter considers cool: popping your collar, putting an Iron Maiden poster up in your bedroom, wearing Converse sneakers (no argument here), and joining a death metal band. Wesley goes from zero to hero overnight, and after taking the family car, he picks up his crush as she walks to school and asks her out. Because he’s respectful and doesn’t put the moves on her, we’re supposed to believe he’s really a nice guy, but I think our 14-year-old writer just didn’t know how one makes it to first base without alien goo.
EXHIBIT #3
BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS
We don’t really see any sex in Dr. Alien, just a parade of fake boobs, and this makes sense because a kid screenwriter probably wouldn’t know what happens after boobs make an appearance. Dr. Alien is the movie version of getting those x-ray glasses in the mail when you were young…if they actually worked. I didn’t do a count, but I’m willing to bet there are more boob shots than scenes. Since the movie achieves its goal of being fun and funny, I give these excessive boobs a thumb’s up. Boobs.
EXHIBIT #4
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
Only a teenager could come up with such a trite lesson at the end of the movie: It was inside of me all this time*. The alien serum may have turned Wesley into catnip for women, but his cool Iron Maiden poster and bitchin’ attitude were 100% him, and no, I’m not ruining the story for you. Dr. Alien has so many layers of lunacy, I’ve kept enough mystery for you to discover on your own. You’ll probably lose fifty brain cells, but it’s entertaining to watch every hetero boy’s greatest fantasy come to life, no matter how stupid or juvenile it is.
*That’s what she said.
GENRES: Body Horror, Funny, What the Fuck Was That
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