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CRYPTZ

BLOODTHIRSTY STRIPPERS WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD IN A MOVIE ONLY FANS OF BAD CINEMA WILL ENJOY



★★★☆☆ (Good for One Viewing)

Director: Danny Draven

2002




The hero in Cryptz is Tymez Skwair (Choice Skinner), a young man who is sure he’s meant for fame and fortune but spends his days hanging out with his two best friends. In my early 20s, I knew a guy who had a million get-rich-quick ideas. He had no intention of working a job, any job, so he slept on my doormat of a boyfriend’s couch and mooched off of him. Our protagonist is cut from the same cloth. Tymez’ mother is a nurse with a nice home, whose begging has turned to nagging has turned to threats—she’s going to stop taking care of him unless he gets a job. When he tells her he has the talents of Jay Z, she insists he finds a way to make money through music or he’s out. We never hear him rap, never see him try to find employment. The second Mom leaves, he stands on the corner with his buddies Likrish and Fuzzy Down, and flirts with a half-naked woman walking by.



At first, it looks like Cryptz might be a movie with a message about how generational poverty has stifled a lot of Black American families—this is a world and time we don’t see much in horror—but then a mystical stripper curses Tymez by wiping his face with her hand. As his cheek rots later that night, his friends don’t drive him immediately to the hospital. They follow his lead and head to the mysterious Cryptz, a secret hang-out with exotic dancers, a large doorman, and a demon. Ignoring all the signs of trouble, Tymez gets a private lap dance, only to find out that this night club is a hotbed of vampire strippers (three women) who have their sights set on taking over the world. An adorable thing about Cryptz is how big this little movie thinks it is.


The film is also sorely dated, with its CD racks, techno music, and a subplot that makes Tymez “The One” via Neo. On that note, another man in the movie has the voice and affirmations of Morpheus. Once in danger, Tymez knows who to call: Truck (Andre McCoy), easily the best character in the entire film. Truck is a wisened member of the community who meditates alone in his Dojo and studies the occult. The serious, shirtless man uses his ninja moves to try and rescue the three hapless victims, but he may be too late. Speaking of victims, how are we supposed to root for a character like Tymez? Not only is he lazy and not very bright, he calls women bitches to their faces and acts in a cowardly manner. There’s no arc, no growth. Cryptz should have focused on Truck and his bodacious pecs.


The laughs are unintentional, the final shot is yearning for a sequel. The direction might make you seasick; there’s shaky cam and out-of-focus, slow-motion action. I would throw Cryptz away if it wasn’t trying. From the good angles during the big fight scene, and attempt at artsy visuals, I can see the filmmakers' vision. Even the dialogue, from what you can hear on the audio, is good. I think this is a case where those in charge didn’t have the budget to fulfill their ambitions. If Cryptz doesn’t speak to you culturally, then maybe your experience with schlock horror will allow you to appreciate the good in this bad movie.






GENRES: Diverse Characters, Funny, Monster/Creature


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